Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Discovery by Rob Graham

Discovery by Rob Graham
February, 2007 - ISBN 978-1-59426-904-2
$2 eBook (five formats) - Buy Now!
Author's Backlist: Rob Graham

I had known Marie for just over a year. We first met online when I started to explore the lifestyle. When we found out we lived in the same city, we met face-to-face. The two of us became rather good friends in a short time.

She was lesbian, and a domme, so there was no sexual tension between us. I started to pick her brains about the BDSM scene, and she helped me examine why I was so interested in her world.

I grew up being dominated, not in the sexual sense but in all other aspects and unpleasantly so. Always there was the threat of pain and humiliation. It had nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with power. The people dominating me could have cared less how I turned out just so long as I didn't break their rules.

Given my strong personality, this was a difficult thing to do. Sometimes I was perverse, disobeying for no reason other than to get up the nose of my owners. By inviting their punishment I could prove to myself that I had the grit to take it and smile.

When I became an adult, my unhappy upbringing and my anger made relationships of all kinds difficult. My distrust and dislike of those with power made working and socialising a distasteful thing.

And that attitude extended to myself. Being a strong man, I had a great deal of power of my own, which I kept well hidden and under tight control. I was always afraid that I would be as irresponsible as those who raised and taught me. I adopted a facade of the quiet, polite person: someone soft, with no interest of or use for power.

It didn't work well. I was always uncomfortable with the role. The disguise didn't fit me. It was a clumsy, inappropriate thing that held me back.

My graceless ineptitude extended to my relationships with women. Since I was unsure of myself, they were unsure of me. I would generally chase strong women, telling myself I was weak and needed their strength. It never worked. If the women were controlling, I would push them away. If their strength was a mask to cover weakness, my guise as less than what I was would be unsatisfying to them. And if they really were strong, we would end up in conflict over who was strongest. All my couplings with women had been short and unhappy. It had been many years since I had even bothered to try.

In spite of my ambivalence towards power and control, I had always found D/s fascinating. I was, it took me long to realise, by nature a dominant person. The idea of a relationship where I could be the one in command was a very exciting one for me. I consistently pushed those desires aside, though. I couldn't help but think that such a joining was based on power and control. As arousing as I found it, I felt a connection revolving around those traits alone would make me resemble the people I grew up hating.

Over many long and often alcohol sodden nights, Marie and I had discussed all this. Like all good friends, she never judged, merely asked questions and made observations. Sometimes she used her own relationships and those of others she knew to illustrate falsehoods I had about the lifestyle. Certainly, there were people in the life whose only interest was power, but for many there was a deeper bond with the discipline and playing merely a facet of that link. What they did together was emotionally satisfying and fulfilling, not a display of weakness at all.

With that revelation, my mind began to change. I came to the conclusion that maybe here was a place I could truly be myself. In the life, there would be less conflict within me, and I could approach something resembling contentment.

I decided it was time for me to do more than talk about it.

When I shared this discovery with Marie, she had invited me to her party. And now she had let me know that she had also invited someone with whom I could explore my new interest.